You Can’t “Own” Someone Else!

I have been with the same guy for 9 months. He has been married twice and has 4 children. The first 6 months things were really good. We became serious and I fell in love with him and I told him so. That’s when things got crazy! He has never told me he loves me but when I confront him about it, he says he is scared of saying it because he thinks things will go bad.

The past three months have been pure hell – a rollercoaster. Three months ago he ran away scared. I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks and then he sent me an email and made his way back into my life. The second time he just stayed away for a week. I phoned him and we were okay again after that. He keeps saying he doesn't want a girlfriend because he doesn't want to get close. After the second time he started to go to counseling. He was doing really well until last Sunday when the same thing happened again! This is a pattern for him. He will probably call again once he gets out of his gray period, and I want to know what you think about this situation.

Hello!

This sounds like a rollercoaster for sure!

Many women have all sorts of hang-ups too. For men, the #1 hang-up is commitment. This is because commitment has such a negative connotation for us. For you girls, it means security, future, marriage, etc. - in short, all of the good things in the relationship. For us, it means responsibility, problems, time away from our work and friends, and a lack of freedom. I'm sure you've heard all this before, but try to put yourself in a guy's shoes. Try to imagine what we go through. Believe me, those words; "I love you" are important to you, but terrifying to us!

So, let's look at your particular situation. First, if he isn't willing to commit to you, there really isn't much you can do. From your description, this sounds less like a simple fear, and more like a religion! You said he's been in counseling for this, but not whether he still is. If so, you're going to have to realize that it's going to take some time - possibly a long time, to get over it all. Your real question should be "can you wait"?

Unfortunately you can't own another person - even through marriage. You can't set goals for him, nor can you make him do anything he doesn't want to do. If your goals are a stable, comfortable relationship with a guy that's at ease with telling you his feelings, this guy may not be the one for you.

On the other hand, if you're willing to wait (possible a long time), and willing to live with someone that doesn't want to commit, and won't tell you that he loves you; this guy's a dream!

My point here is that you've got to decide what YOU want in your life. You can't base it around what someone else does or doesn't do. I understand that this "on-again, off-again" relationship is driving you crazy and you've had good things in the past, but don't use THAT as a yardstick of the future. As I tell people all the time, don't listen to his (or her!) words – watch their actions!

One last thing you might want to do. *If* he calls, and *if* he's still in counseling and *if* he agrees to it; you might want to contact his counselor and get a professional opinion on this guy. That's a lot of *if's*, but *if* these things come to pass, you might gain great insight into his particular situation (and your possibility for a future). However, I wouldn't count on these things. Decide what YOU want in YOUR life and make them happen for YOU!

Good luck, much love...