Dr. Neder,
Why does a guy bolt for the
door, when he has everything he wants? I seem to be getting a lot of “I’m
afraid of commitment”, “We are too close”, and “You’re great but I’m not ready”
I never even used the word
“commitment”! It seems that just because a woman wants to spend time with her
guy he thinks he going to lose his freedom. How do you get them back after they
bolt??
Thanks, “Spotless”
-------------------------------------------------
Hello "Spotless"!
Men are very, very
sensitive about anything that even smacks of "commitment" (like I
have to tell YOU!) In fact, I actually get this question quite often!
The concept of commitment
means something very different to men and women. Women interpret commitment as
security, future, and possibly marriage and children. From the time women are
little girls they are constantly given the image of the white wedding, the
house with the picket fence and kids. In fact, if you really think about it
things like weddings, Valentine's Day, children - all are really for the
benefit of women! Women (especially today) really have all the options. You can
move between careers, go back to school, stay at home, leave a career to have
kids, return to the career, etc., etc., all without the absolute responsibility
of supporting the family.
Men on the other hand see
commitment as something quite different. To men, commitment (or even the hint
of it) means a lack of freedom! Why is this so? Consider what happens to men
socially. Men pay 92% or more of all dating costs. They pay 74% of all family
costs. A man has only one choice when he leaves school - go to work and become
successful. The more he earns, the better women he can attract! Commitment
means that he has fewer choices - in work, in women, in play, in time, and in
life. He can't just "up and leave" a job when he is married. He has
to think about his family. Thus, when a man looks at commitment, he sees a
lifetime of struggle. On his own, he only has the pressures he places on
himself.
Once a guy
"bolts", you've got some work to do to get him back. Remember how he
sees commitment. Women intuitively understand that their goal is to get a man
to see the exchange of freedom for sex. This really is your key. There has to
be something in your relationship that he wanted in the first place, and you'll
have to make sure he gets it!
As well, there is another
important thing you can do: realize that men are NOT monogamous. Yes, I know
that isn't what you want to hear. But consider this, if you realize this up
front, you're already way ahead of the game! Thus, your goal shouldn't be to
get your guy to commit and be monogamous to you - it should be to become the
women for whom he WANTS to be monogamous! Do you get the difference here?
One last point that is
important: look at your goals. Is your goal to be married? I tell women this
all the time - if all you want is to be married, I'm sure you can find someone
this weekend that will marry you. So that shouldn't be a problem. On the other
hand, if you want someone of quality that you love and that loves you back -
focus on THAT goal instead! Don't worry about the "format" of the
relationship - focus on the quality.
If you're really interested
in how men think, I suggest you pick up a copy of my book, "Being a Man in
a Woman's' World". It was written for men - just the way men talk to each
other (when you girls aren't around!) It should really give you some insight
into what goes on in men's minds.
Good luck, much love...
About the author
uthor of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You
can write to me at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World", visit: www.remingtonpublications.com | 
