What To Do When You Just Can't Seem To Let Go

Hi Dr. Neder:

I hope you have some good advice besides telling me to get over this woman. I'm doing my best on that (primarily by dating other women), but I really want this woman back if possible.

Here's the story - it's pretty bizarre:

I was with a woman for a number years. It was on again/off again, mostly because she would deal with problems by breaking up. (I never initiated a break up). Eventually, she would come back again. She wanted marriage and children and I admit I was afraid of marriage. She would get very emotional and raise her voice; we lost the ability to communicate about important issues, especially the topics of marriage and children.

She broke up with me again late last year. I was told she was very upset, crying all the time. I assumed she'd be back like always. Wrong - she met a guy, got engaged 3 weeks later, and married 3 months after that. The man she married was also on the rebound and it's an obvious case of two lonely people consoling each other. They are very incompatible; he's not her (or my) equal in any way. It's pretty certain she married him to get a family, to not feel lonely after breaking up with me and to show me something -- not out of real love. It's almost certain they will eventually divorce.

I've overcome my fear of marriage, and even proposed to her to marry me before they married. As I said, she is stubborn and even though it's pretty certain to everyone she still loves me (and has implied she "feels sorry for him"), she would rather die than admit she made a mistake and rushed into something.

I love the woman dearly and, though would not break up her marriage if it were a better situation for her. I really want her back in my life if possible. Obviously, sitting and waiting for them to divorce is not a healthy approach. Can you give me any suggestions other than just trying to forget her?

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Hello!

I'm not going to lie to you just because you've asked - you deserve better than that. Get over her. Yes, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's the right advice. I also understand that you're still in love with her, and maybe this is the key to your freedom from her. I'm sorry, but this woman sounds like a real nut case. Suffice it to say that, while crazy women are the best sex you'll ever have, they will cause you nothing but problems otherwise.

You've been doing the right thing by dating other women. I just hope that you're not spending your time with them telling them all about this woman. They don't want to hear that. You might find that focusing on volumes of women will help you get over one. After all, having a supermarket to choose from will make a single brand much less important.

Ok, so on to the "key". Again, you're going to have to get over her. Get out of her life, and get her out of yours. If you have any property of hers, give it back - ever single bit. If she has anything of yours, get it back. No more telephone calls, letters, birthday cards, email, or anything else. You've got to wash your hands of her completely. After all, you wouldn't cut off a dog's tail piece by piece would you? Of course not - you'd do it all at once.

Next, spend one session (no more than 30 minutes) considering what it is about this woman that has a hold on you. Is it the sex? Is it her looks? Just what is it exactly. Write this down on a piece of paper - you're going to need it later. Be short and specific - no more than a paragraph.

One final tip that will help: carry a rubber band with you. Huh? A rubber band - why? Here's why: You need to stop the patterns that are making you want her. These patterns continue to get reinforced every time you think about her with someone else. She isn't going to leave him for you - and if she does, you'd better run! So, every time you slip back into thinking about her, take that rubber band between your thumb and first finger, place it against your thigh, pull it back and give yourself a nice pop with it.

Does this sound stupid? Believe me - it works. What you're trying to do here is to associate the thoughts of her with a negative stimulus - in this case the stinging on your leg. Be consistent - don't stop until you stop thinking about her.

The final step is the paper. You should use this as the beginning of a letter to yourself. Instead of being a sad remembrance of her, it will now become the basis for your new goal - that of finding someone new. You should spend a few days and describe the exact woman you want to find. Describe her in detail and don't cut corners. There is something magical that happens when you commit this to paper. Describe her looks, her height, her political affiliation, her likes and dislikes, her family, where does she come from, what does she eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, how intelligent is she, what does she read, etc., etc., etc. Remember to keep that rubber band handy - if you fall back to thinking of the previous woman, you know what to do!

My brother, you're going to have to move on with your life and accept that she is doing the same. Be thankful for the things you've learned in your association with her and find someone else that you'll love even more - and that is less crazy.